Missing Jewelry and Magazines/Humming and Pringles (soft food diet)

I've decided to combine topics #3 and #4 because they are relatively small topics and they all happened at the Palm Springs condo.

If you know anything about F-ing c, you know that she steals things. If something happens to be sitting around without an owner in sight, it is now her property. Such is the case with the missing bracelet and magazines. The bracelet was one of my favorites. I generally don't wear bracelets because they're kind of annoying, but this one was pretty awesome. The magazine was Women's Health, and I had never even gotten a chance to read it. There were only 4 people at the condo: Dad, F-ing c, myself, and Marc. Now tell me, who do you think took my WOMEN's Health magazine? Marc? Dad? Probably not. Who do you think took off with my totally girly bracelet? Marc? Dad? Probably not. I've got one word for you: BITCH!

Moving on...

F-ing c always has a million stupid magazines that she reads (so why she has to steal mine is beyond me, but whatever). Woman's Week, Woman's World, US weekly, and so on. Well one week she read an article that said "people that hum have a happy heart". I could KILL whoever wrote that article because for the next few days she WOULDN'T STOP HUMMING! One of these particular days I was on the computer trying to do homework, when she came in, sat down, and started humming. I waited patiently for the humming to cease but she wasn't letting up, so I turned and asked her very nicely to stop humming. She very seriously looked at me and said "no", and went back to humming. WTF?! F-ing c does not have a "happy heart", she's got a bitch heart!

And last but not least the Pringles story! So Donkey Face had an operation on her esophagus and had strict orders not to eat any solid foods. She made a HUGE deal about not being able to eat certain things and was a major pain in the ass because of it. Anyway, I had bought two packs of Pringles chips before they came to "visit" one weekend. One of them was BBQ, the other was Sour Cream and Onion. I had eaten a few of the BBQ chips, but hadn't yet opened the Sour Cream and Onion chips. The weekend came and went and so did dad and f-ing c. Imagine my surprise when I went to open the Sour Cream and Onion chips and found that three quarters of them had been eaten!! And my dad doesn't like Sour Cream and Onion chips so who do you think ate them?! ha! I'm pretty sure that chips qualify as solid food, but what the heck do I know ;)

The return of Birthday Tank Top

The Birthday Tank Top story didn't just end with me receiving it. Oh no! There's more!

When I got back home, true to my word, the tank top (box and all) was jammed in the back of my closet. After that the details are a little blurry... I said something to dad about it, unfortunately I don't remember what I said. BUT I DO REMEMBER that I came home later that week and found that my closet had been rifled through and the tank top was GONE! Was this my answered prayer from God? Did a very unfashionable thief break in and steal the tank top?! Yes and No. Fucking-C had come into MY room, thrashed around MY closet, and took MY (ew) birthday tank top. Then she took that tank top across the street where she had bought it, returned it, and bought something FOR HERSELF!!! How do I know this? Cause after they finally left to go back to WA, I went into their bathroom and found the exchange receipt on the counter! Haha! There is something seriously wrong with this person!

Birthday Tank Top

I am so sad that no one else got to experience this "happening" with me!

It's my 22 birthday. I had just moved down to Palm Springs the month before, so dad and F-ing C came down to celebrate my day (yay for me, right?!). So the night starts off just peachy when dad announces where we're going for dinner. You'd think it would be my choice right? Cause it's my Birthday and all. But NO. And of course he wants to go to one of my LEAST favorite restaurants: The Outback. Whatever...

So we get to the Outback, and sometime during dinner I'm handed a present. Most people would be excited to get a present, but when it's Donkey face who's giving them, one needs to be a little leery.. I open it. Pull out what's inside. And I'm speechless. What I'm holding is basically a crime to humanity!! It's a spaghetti strap, crocheted, mid drift showing, tank top, and it's turquoise. It is SO hideous that I put it back in the box as quickly as possible so that no one would see me holding it! It's obvious that very little thought went into this gift so I wasn't going to feel bad about stuffing this thing in the back of my closet.

As it turns out, she had walked across the street to some Old Woman's Boutique (I'm not over exaggerating) and purchased the horrid thing the day of my birthday! Who does that?!

Stay tuned for the rest of the story in "The Return of Birthday Tank Top"

# 5 - Mexican Food Thief

I'm not sure where to begin, so I scan the topics Jenn + I brainstormed... and I knew exactly where to start when I saw this topic...

I was raised to try my best to be polite. Share. Please. Thank You.
Not too difficult right? But for F-Cathi?? WRONG.


One of the more personally disturbing memories was that of sitting down to one of our many infamous Mexican Food dinners...
The setting: booth on one side and chairs on the other. Dead center on the booth is F-Cathi. I am the unfortunate soul sitting across the table from her.

Everyone orders their drinks, we're visiting, food comes eventually, looks great, start eating... What's that?? A fork coming across the table?? And now it's taking food off my plate??
I'm sorry. I must be in shock. I don't believe anyone has ever done that to a near-stranger before. At least, it's never happened to ME.

I stare at F-Cathi. blink. blink. blink.

She brushes it off like it's nothing, and our meal continues. Really??
Needless to say, she's never done it since - at least before I could pull my food away from her in time... But that's another topic for another day.

Potential Topics (by Nicole & Jenn)

1) Birthday Tank top
2) The return of Birthday Tank Top
3) Missing Jewelry and Magazines
4) Humming and Pringles (soft food diet)
5) Mexican Food Thief
6) Dad's Birthday/Picture Day
7) CAKES!! and blame shifting
8) Gardening apparel
9) Oscar Dog sitting
10) Baby Phat/Hooters Onesie
11) Shadowbox Bib
12) Tongue
13) Chlamydia? Clamatis?
14) Gonorrhea
15) Cherry Dress
16) "Jeff, the video camera's not working!!"
17) Nice girls bend at the knees (how many skorts can one woman own?)
18) Perfume down the drain
19) Flying Rhinestones
20) French Poo-Poo's
21) Passport line
22) Speaking French in Spain and Spanish in France
23) Perfume and Migraines and cars
24) Rescue mission in a garbage truck?
25) Good timing curtains
26) "I'm going to Costco, do you need anything? Shampoo?"
27) Dieting and Dieting Programs (ie: White, Coconut oil, slimfast, Alli, Curves, Activa)
28) Diet Journal
29) Doggy Rug/Fridge detox/where'd the quotes go?
30) Wanna pop for the road?
31) Little house Decor/kitchen utensil theft
32) Sunglasses Theft
33) $100 Skinky Thanks
34) Good daughter quality bracelet
35) Clearing Plates
36) Menacing Knife
37) Candy in the bathroom
38) Lynwood Diet (Ie: Popcorn and beer, pringles in the drawer)
39) Shelf and Baskets Theft
40) Tanning Lotion Theft
41) Oil Lamp (Oops) Bathing suit (oops) Coins
42) Broken shit
43) Used Ear Plugs
44) Free Hoarding
45) "You need to meet new people"
46) Wig Order Form
47) Potty/Poop Trained
48) Mourning Roll
49) Turkey skin
50) "My Kid"
51) False Contact (keeping in touch)
52) Bathing dogs in Kitchen sink
53) Aversion to throwing away containers
54) Lighthouses
55) Fingernails (Julie: a child cannot lie)
56) Memento Presentation
57) Pictures/frames
58) Hiding Nicole
59) Wedding ring?
60) Wedding dress (red)
61) Towel Cushions
62) Voicemail
63) Nail Polish relatives/Swimsuit
64) "Girlfriend" Frames
65) Flamingo Glass
66) Baby Shower Invite
67) Parkinsons Disease
68) Wedding Dress fitting
69) Lemonade/Ginger Ale/Lemons
70) Fancy Hats/Scarves
71) Long Drugs Christmas Gifts (Racecar, nail clippers, Make-up travel bags, grooming kit) Vs. $50 Gift card
72) Dot-Kom Truck airport Fiasco
73) Jenn's Birthday Dinner Meal Theft
74) Two Faced Bitch (Pigs/mean/cleaning)
75) King on a Full ("How do you like it?")
76) Nickname conversation at Marcos
77) Games on the computer/Icons on the laptop
78) Family Pictures part II/ Credit
79) Pretending she has friends
80) Waking up at the crack of Noon
81) Whoa there Godzilla
82) Lemon Jello with carrots, celery, and Onions
83) Parents Legacy
84) Llama Purchase
85) Horse Accident and other various accidents
86) Rude to waitresses
87) All the gold jewelry
88) Guardian Angel quote in car
89) Dream Catcher
90) Ironing for all to see
91) One-Upper (Saturday night live)
92) Jeff & Nicole's Wedding Anniversary Text
93) Dad wedding reception disappearing act
94) Coffee mug mule
95) A Room Virus
96) Holiday Decorations year round
97) Dried Piss EVERYWHERE/No Cleaners at the Condo
98) Weird Food Habits (Meat Juice)
99) Is she really left handed?
100) First Knuckle Pinky ring
101) Gravy Sanitation
102) Sitting lady like
103) Burning food then calling it "chocolate"
104) No mind of her own ordering
105) Taking credit for EVERYTHING!
106) Dramatic phone calls and Texts
107) Cell phone Dr. Visit
108) Raspberry Bush Rolling
109) Fish Food
110) Red Velvet Cupcakes
111) Disappearing for after dinner clean up
112) Pills on the bathroom counter/Nightgowns on the door/non-family member pictures/Mail/magnets/prunes
113) "Should you stay?" Relationship book
114) Cathi had no daughters!!!!
115) Mexico Trip
116) "I could make this dress"
117) Great. Now I have to Shave my hair off....

118) I was giving birth. Is it so much to ask that she NOT show up?!

119) I'm sorry, why did you put Jeff's name on your credit card?

"I could make this dress"

I'd like to start off this blog on the right foot with a classic F-ing C tale:
It was the summer of 2007. I had just gotten engaged and was looking through wedding magazines getting ideas for dresses I wanted to look for. I had dog eared a bunch of pages of several magazines by the time F-ing C came and sat on the couch uncomfortably close to me. She asked to look through one of the magazines while grabbing one off my lap (nice manners) so obviously I said "sure". She looked through a couple of my dog eared pages and then leans over and tells me in all seriousness "I could make this dress" (which looked a lot like the picture I've posted below). It took all my energy not to bust up laughing. If you know anything about F-ing C you know that the extent of her sewing skills does not include elaborate wedding dresses! Of course she also offered to make the flower girl dress, and the brides maid dresses, so why should I be so surprised by the offer to make my wedding dress?! Really!?

here's the gist...

Over the years there has been a great many stories collected and told over and over again about Fucking Cathi (whom we'll call F-ing C or Donkey Face or whatever name strikes you at the moment), but they have never been written down. It is my great fear that eventually one of these ridiculous stories will fall through the cracks and forever be forgotten. We cannot allow this to happen!! This blog is private so don't be afraid to let it all out!!