#10 - Baby Phat Socks/Hooters Onesie

What better way to celebrate the birth of a (Caucasian non white trash) child than to buy them a Hooters Onesie that says "Party Pooper" on it and while we're at it, lets pair it with some baby phat socks!! One look at the baby phat web site and you KNOW who their demographic is: http://www.babyphat.com/shop.php..... I had no idea that I was giving birth to a black/latina baby...

The Face of Evil

In case you've forgotten what The Face of Evil looks like...

#9 - Oscar Dog sitting

While I wasn't actually present for this event, I'm pretty sure I can summarize kind of what happened. I expect some commentary from Cole and Lace though cause some of the details are beyond me.

So, Lace was dog sitting Oscar who is Nicole's co-worker's Wiener dog. Oscar usually lives in an apartment complex and has been trained pretty well not to bark. Lord knows the last thing anyone wants is a barking obnoxious dog in an apartment complex... or anywhere else for that matter. Anyway, Lace and Oscar are hanging out at the Lynnwood house (where are Jeff & Nicole? IDK) and F-ing C is there with her mongrel rat of a dog Dot-kom. The dogs were getting a little routy and Oscar starts barking which Laicy has been instructed is not okay. So Laicy brings the hammer down and tells Oscar "NO BARK"!

***Wait! I'm getting ahead of myself***

Here's a little back story: IF DAD OR F-C ARE EVER ASKED, DOT-KOM IS THE BEST TRAINED DOG IN THE WORLD! if you leave out the fact that the dog barks at everything that moves, pisses all over the place, and shits in random corners in the house. Apparently if you pretend that the piss stains aren't there you can claim to have properly trained the animal...

Anyway, back to the story!

So Laicy brings the hammer down and tells Oscar "NO BARK"! To which F-ing C looks at Laicy (I assume) then looks at Oscar and says "It's okay Oscar. You can bark in this house".

It's no wonder Dot-kom is retarded and confused. Apparetly you can bark in one house but not the others. Brilliant.

#8 - Gardening apparel

This is a morning that I, nor anyone else who witnessed it, will never forget! It was a weekend morning and I believe that dad was cleaning the pool, so I went down before I had to go into town. I had a little extra time so I sat down to BS for a minute, and that's when I looked up at the upper yard. FC was pruning the roses (what's with that woman and thorns anyway?) wearing one of her infamous skorts, a sleeveless polo shirt (classy), No makeup (a crime against all man kind), Curves flip flop (lime green, and purple), and every gold necklace she owns around her neck. BUT HER HAIR! Her hair was in complete disarray... pulled up with a lime green Scrunchy into a SIDE PONY... and because she was working "so hard" her bangs were matted with sweat flat on her forehead. So somehow (the details are a little fuzzy) dad ends up on the upper lawn talking with the renters, and who saunters over lookin like she fell from the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down? FC! Apparently she thinks that that look is workin for her!

*Nicole & Jeff* Didn't you go back out to the Lake later that day or weekend and had to correct the renters when they said something about "Cathi's daughter"?

Jim's Birthday/Picture Day/Cake/Blame Shifting

This account is regarding Jim's Big 60th Birthday. It's a milestone birthday - something special is definitely in order.

One of Jim's favorite pictures is of Jeff (12), Jenn (10), Julie (9), Missy, Boo Boo Kitty, and him with the red and white 59 corvette, taken at the WVC Campus. He has a large picture of it at the lakehouse and he even carries a copy in his wallet... so we know it's very special to him.

Jeff + I were discussing this memory and trying to recall how this all originally started - and it's a little hazy - so I'll need Jenn to jump in and correct any details she remembers differently.

Jeff recalls F-C approaching him regarding taking an updated picture for Jim's birthday... And that was about it. This was first brought up in the fall while Jeff was still in his racing season. Since Jeff's familiar with Dar's work (he takes pictures up at the WVSO Racetrack) - he mentioned the idea of taking another family picture with the 59 corvette to Dar - and he loved it.

Now, just to be clear, Jim's birthday is the end of April. Plenty of time, right?? Not if you're F-C.

A few things would need to be arranged: the corvette was in the shop, a date needed to be set so everyone could make sure they could be there, we had to figure out a plan of how to get the car and Jim there, etc. But there's plenty of time, right? Again - NOT if your F-C.

Now there had been several issues with the corvette and Jeff had to clue in Don and Tater to the plan so they would have plenty of time to have the car up and running before Jim's birthday. Not exactly something you can leave until the last minute!!

All this time F-C kept asking Jeff for Dar's phone number - even though it's online and in the phonebook - so she could schedule the date for the pictures. She'll get it done in time, right?? NOPE. Jeff finally had to call Dar a WEEK before Jim's birthday - hoping he'd still be available - because F-C couldn't pick up the phone and arrange it herself!!

Jenn was flying up but Jeff had to call Julie to make sure she's be available and not working, etc. Now everyone was on board... Again - did F-C help? NO!!

So the day finally arrives. Jenn, Jeff, and I were staying out at the lakehouse so we got to see first-hand how F-C prepares for the day. This brings us to Part II of this entry - The Infamous Birthday Cake.

First of all, F-C doesn't wake up early. She just can't function at that hour. This is nothing new so maybe, MAYBE, she would have arranged to make the cake the day before or something. I mean - there's a F-ing FULL kitchen downstairs in the basement! She could've made the cake down there if she didn't want him to see her or something... but NOOOO!!

What does she do?? She wakes up late, looking like death as usual, and starts flinging ingredients together at the last f-ing minute. Of course by this time we're all dressed and ready to go, because we had to be at WVC ahead of time to meet Dar and Julie to properly surprize Jim. We'll come back to that sorry excuse of a cake in a minute...

Re-cap: ALL F-C had to do was get Jim in the corvette and come to us. That was ALL she had to do. They finally arrived - and Jim was absolutely thrilled!!
STILL F-C looks like hell!! I think might she have attempted to take a shower because her hair was half-wet and piled in a rats nest on her head (with a scrunchie of course). Now - the picture was supposed to be of the kids and Jim but it's safe to say there will be at least one group picture taken, since we're all there, so I dress appropriately. F-C did not.
* The important thing was that Jim was surprized and he LOVED it. *
But still - REALLY??

Fast forward to dinner and the Cake (if you can even call it that).

We all head to dinner at the Applewood grill to meet up with F-C's mom, son, and Marty & Vicki. It's pretty warm by this time of year - so how did F-C get the cake to dinner if she came with Jim in the corvette?? Come to find out she called Poor Vicki at the last minute and asked her to pick up the cake to bring it to dinner.

Now during dinner, conversation of course went to how Jim loved the surprize and how great the picture were going to be... and what comes out of F-C's mouth?? Basically she told the group how SHE made ALL the arrangements and did EVERYTHING - ALL by herself. WOW. Needless to say Jenn couldn't stand it - and she spoke up on Jeff's behalf regarding what REALLY happened.

We make it thru dinner and it's time for dessert. The cake is unveiled. OH MY GOD. The frosting (or at least we think that is what that stuff is supposed to be) has nearly ALL melted off the cake. It RESENTS the cake. So what does F-C do??

She looks at Poor Vicki and makes a comment about how she must have let it sit in the car for too long for it to do that. WHAT?!

We SAW her make the cake at the last minute - we KNOW she didn't let it sit out long enough to cool before she flung that crap that was supposed to be frosting on the cake - and of COURSE it melted off!! WTF did she THINK was going to happen?!

Now anyone that knows F-C at all, knows to avoid her cooking like the plague; so we ordered vanilla ice cream, pretending it was to eat WITH the cake (yeah, right). Chunky, flour pocketed, peanut butter chocolate cake even LOOKED at by F-C is not safe for anyone to eat.

We finally finished and everyone was getting ready to say goodbye when F-C very loudly (because she knows NO other volume) starts asking who is going to take HER mother home to leavenworth. Come to find out her mother's caretaker had brought her into wenatchee since it was on her way home - but how was she going to get back now?? F-C rode in a two-seater - WTF did she think was going to happen? Was she going to wish her home?? So at the dinner table, in front of her mother, she starts asking people if they can drive her home. She starts with her son - and the jerk won't even ENTERTAIN the idea of driving his own grandmother home... Finally, Vicki and Marty (being the sweet people they are) say they wouldn't mind taking her home since they're heading out of town and over the pass anyway. Who does that?! Who doesn't arrange that sort of thing ahead of time?! And in front of the person that needs the ride??

As a nice little follow up - it is now nearly 2 years later and Dar's phone number is still on the fridge last I checked (as of August 2008 - but that's another story in itself) - and NO pictures have been ordered to date.

Way to go F-C.

Missing Jewelry and Magazines/Humming and Pringles (soft food diet)

I've decided to combine topics #3 and #4 because they are relatively small topics and they all happened at the Palm Springs condo.

If you know anything about F-ing c, you know that she steals things. If something happens to be sitting around without an owner in sight, it is now her property. Such is the case with the missing bracelet and magazines. The bracelet was one of my favorites. I generally don't wear bracelets because they're kind of annoying, but this one was pretty awesome. The magazine was Women's Health, and I had never even gotten a chance to read it. There were only 4 people at the condo: Dad, F-ing c, myself, and Marc. Now tell me, who do you think took my WOMEN's Health magazine? Marc? Dad? Probably not. Who do you think took off with my totally girly bracelet? Marc? Dad? Probably not. I've got one word for you: BITCH!

Moving on...

F-ing c always has a million stupid magazines that she reads (so why she has to steal mine is beyond me, but whatever). Woman's Week, Woman's World, US weekly, and so on. Well one week she read an article that said "people that hum have a happy heart". I could KILL whoever wrote that article because for the next few days she WOULDN'T STOP HUMMING! One of these particular days I was on the computer trying to do homework, when she came in, sat down, and started humming. I waited patiently for the humming to cease but she wasn't letting up, so I turned and asked her very nicely to stop humming. She very seriously looked at me and said "no", and went back to humming. WTF?! F-ing c does not have a "happy heart", she's got a bitch heart!

And last but not least the Pringles story! So Donkey Face had an operation on her esophagus and had strict orders not to eat any solid foods. She made a HUGE deal about not being able to eat certain things and was a major pain in the ass because of it. Anyway, I had bought two packs of Pringles chips before they came to "visit" one weekend. One of them was BBQ, the other was Sour Cream and Onion. I had eaten a few of the BBQ chips, but hadn't yet opened the Sour Cream and Onion chips. The weekend came and went and so did dad and f-ing c. Imagine my surprise when I went to open the Sour Cream and Onion chips and found that three quarters of them had been eaten!! And my dad doesn't like Sour Cream and Onion chips so who do you think ate them?! ha! I'm pretty sure that chips qualify as solid food, but what the heck do I know ;)

The return of Birthday Tank Top

The Birthday Tank Top story didn't just end with me receiving it. Oh no! There's more!

When I got back home, true to my word, the tank top (box and all) was jammed in the back of my closet. After that the details are a little blurry... I said something to dad about it, unfortunately I don't remember what I said. BUT I DO REMEMBER that I came home later that week and found that my closet had been rifled through and the tank top was GONE! Was this my answered prayer from God? Did a very unfashionable thief break in and steal the tank top?! Yes and No. Fucking-C had come into MY room, thrashed around MY closet, and took MY (ew) birthday tank top. Then she took that tank top across the street where she had bought it, returned it, and bought something FOR HERSELF!!! How do I know this? Cause after they finally left to go back to WA, I went into their bathroom and found the exchange receipt on the counter! Haha! There is something seriously wrong with this person!

Birthday Tank Top

I am so sad that no one else got to experience this "happening" with me!

It's my 22 birthday. I had just moved down to Palm Springs the month before, so dad and F-ing C came down to celebrate my day (yay for me, right?!). So the night starts off just peachy when dad announces where we're going for dinner. You'd think it would be my choice right? Cause it's my Birthday and all. But NO. And of course he wants to go to one of my LEAST favorite restaurants: The Outback. Whatever...

So we get to the Outback, and sometime during dinner I'm handed a present. Most people would be excited to get a present, but when it's Donkey face who's giving them, one needs to be a little leery.. I open it. Pull out what's inside. And I'm speechless. What I'm holding is basically a crime to humanity!! It's a spaghetti strap, crocheted, mid drift showing, tank top, and it's turquoise. It is SO hideous that I put it back in the box as quickly as possible so that no one would see me holding it! It's obvious that very little thought went into this gift so I wasn't going to feel bad about stuffing this thing in the back of my closet.

As it turns out, she had walked across the street to some Old Woman's Boutique (I'm not over exaggerating) and purchased the horrid thing the day of my birthday! Who does that?!

Stay tuned for the rest of the story in "The Return of Birthday Tank Top"

# 5 - Mexican Food Thief

I'm not sure where to begin, so I scan the topics Jenn + I brainstormed... and I knew exactly where to start when I saw this topic...

I was raised to try my best to be polite. Share. Please. Thank You.
Not too difficult right? But for F-Cathi?? WRONG.


One of the more personally disturbing memories was that of sitting down to one of our many infamous Mexican Food dinners...
The setting: booth on one side and chairs on the other. Dead center on the booth is F-Cathi. I am the unfortunate soul sitting across the table from her.

Everyone orders their drinks, we're visiting, food comes eventually, looks great, start eating... What's that?? A fork coming across the table?? And now it's taking food off my plate??
I'm sorry. I must be in shock. I don't believe anyone has ever done that to a near-stranger before. At least, it's never happened to ME.

I stare at F-Cathi. blink. blink. blink.

She brushes it off like it's nothing, and our meal continues. Really??
Needless to say, she's never done it since - at least before I could pull my food away from her in time... But that's another topic for another day.

Potential Topics (by Nicole & Jenn)

1) Birthday Tank top
2) The return of Birthday Tank Top
3) Missing Jewelry and Magazines
4) Humming and Pringles (soft food diet)
5) Mexican Food Thief
6) Dad's Birthday/Picture Day
7) CAKES!! and blame shifting
8) Gardening apparel
9) Oscar Dog sitting
10) Baby Phat/Hooters Onesie
11) Shadowbox Bib
12) Tongue
13) Chlamydia? Clamatis?
14) Gonorrhea
15) Cherry Dress
16) "Jeff, the video camera's not working!!"
17) Nice girls bend at the knees (how many skorts can one woman own?)
18) Perfume down the drain
19) Flying Rhinestones
20) French Poo-Poo's
21) Passport line
22) Speaking French in Spain and Spanish in France
23) Perfume and Migraines and cars
24) Rescue mission in a garbage truck?
25) Good timing curtains
26) "I'm going to Costco, do you need anything? Shampoo?"
27) Dieting and Dieting Programs (ie: White, Coconut oil, slimfast, Alli, Curves, Activa)
28) Diet Journal
29) Doggy Rug/Fridge detox/where'd the quotes go?
30) Wanna pop for the road?
31) Little house Decor/kitchen utensil theft
32) Sunglasses Theft
33) $100 Skinky Thanks
34) Good daughter quality bracelet
35) Clearing Plates
36) Menacing Knife
37) Candy in the bathroom
38) Lynwood Diet (Ie: Popcorn and beer, pringles in the drawer)
39) Shelf and Baskets Theft
40) Tanning Lotion Theft
41) Oil Lamp (Oops) Bathing suit (oops) Coins
42) Broken shit
43) Used Ear Plugs
44) Free Hoarding
45) "You need to meet new people"
46) Wig Order Form
47) Potty/Poop Trained
48) Mourning Roll
49) Turkey skin
50) "My Kid"
51) False Contact (keeping in touch)
52) Bathing dogs in Kitchen sink
53) Aversion to throwing away containers
54) Lighthouses
55) Fingernails (Julie: a child cannot lie)
56) Memento Presentation
57) Pictures/frames
58) Hiding Nicole
59) Wedding ring?
60) Wedding dress (red)
61) Towel Cushions
62) Voicemail
63) Nail Polish relatives/Swimsuit
64) "Girlfriend" Frames
65) Flamingo Glass
66) Baby Shower Invite
67) Parkinsons Disease
68) Wedding Dress fitting
69) Lemonade/Ginger Ale/Lemons
70) Fancy Hats/Scarves
71) Long Drugs Christmas Gifts (Racecar, nail clippers, Make-up travel bags, grooming kit) Vs. $50 Gift card
72) Dot-Kom Truck airport Fiasco
73) Jenn's Birthday Dinner Meal Theft
74) Two Faced Bitch (Pigs/mean/cleaning)
75) King on a Full ("How do you like it?")
76) Nickname conversation at Marcos
77) Games on the computer/Icons on the laptop
78) Family Pictures part II/ Credit
79) Pretending she has friends
80) Waking up at the crack of Noon
81) Whoa there Godzilla
82) Lemon Jello with carrots, celery, and Onions
83) Parents Legacy
84) Llama Purchase
85) Horse Accident and other various accidents
86) Rude to waitresses
87) All the gold jewelry
88) Guardian Angel quote in car
89) Dream Catcher
90) Ironing for all to see
91) One-Upper (Saturday night live)
92) Jeff & Nicole's Wedding Anniversary Text
93) Dad wedding reception disappearing act
94) Coffee mug mule
95) A Room Virus
96) Holiday Decorations year round
97) Dried Piss EVERYWHERE/No Cleaners at the Condo
98) Weird Food Habits (Meat Juice)
99) Is she really left handed?
100) First Knuckle Pinky ring
101) Gravy Sanitation
102) Sitting lady like
103) Burning food then calling it "chocolate"
104) No mind of her own ordering
105) Taking credit for EVERYTHING!
106) Dramatic phone calls and Texts
107) Cell phone Dr. Visit
108) Raspberry Bush Rolling
109) Fish Food
110) Red Velvet Cupcakes
111) Disappearing for after dinner clean up
112) Pills on the bathroom counter/Nightgowns on the door/non-family member pictures/Mail/magnets/prunes
113) "Should you stay?" Relationship book
114) Cathi had no daughters!!!!
115) Mexico Trip
116) "I could make this dress"
117) Great. Now I have to Shave my hair off....

118) I was giving birth. Is it so much to ask that she NOT show up?!

119) I'm sorry, why did you put Jeff's name on your credit card?

"I could make this dress"

I'd like to start off this blog on the right foot with a classic F-ing C tale:
It was the summer of 2007. I had just gotten engaged and was looking through wedding magazines getting ideas for dresses I wanted to look for. I had dog eared a bunch of pages of several magazines by the time F-ing C came and sat on the couch uncomfortably close to me. She asked to look through one of the magazines while grabbing one off my lap (nice manners) so obviously I said "sure". She looked through a couple of my dog eared pages and then leans over and tells me in all seriousness "I could make this dress" (which looked a lot like the picture I've posted below). It took all my energy not to bust up laughing. If you know anything about F-ing C you know that the extent of her sewing skills does not include elaborate wedding dresses! Of course she also offered to make the flower girl dress, and the brides maid dresses, so why should I be so surprised by the offer to make my wedding dress?! Really!?

here's the gist...

Over the years there has been a great many stories collected and told over and over again about Fucking Cathi (whom we'll call F-ing C or Donkey Face or whatever name strikes you at the moment), but they have never been written down. It is my great fear that eventually one of these ridiculous stories will fall through the cracks and forever be forgotten. We cannot allow this to happen!! This blog is private so don't be afraid to let it all out!!