#10 - Baby Phat Socks/Hooters Onesie

What better way to celebrate the birth of a (Caucasian non white trash) child than to buy them a Hooters Onesie that says "Party Pooper" on it and while we're at it, lets pair it with some baby phat socks!! One look at the baby phat web site and you KNOW who their demographic is: http://www.babyphat.com/shop.php..... I had no idea that I was giving birth to a black/latina baby...

The Face of Evil

In case you've forgotten what The Face of Evil looks like...

#9 - Oscar Dog sitting

While I wasn't actually present for this event, I'm pretty sure I can summarize kind of what happened. I expect some commentary from Cole and Lace though cause some of the details are beyond me.

So, Lace was dog sitting Oscar who is Nicole's co-worker's Wiener dog. Oscar usually lives in an apartment complex and has been trained pretty well not to bark. Lord knows the last thing anyone wants is a barking obnoxious dog in an apartment complex... or anywhere else for that matter. Anyway, Lace and Oscar are hanging out at the Lynnwood house (where are Jeff & Nicole? IDK) and F-ing C is there with her mongrel rat of a dog Dot-kom. The dogs were getting a little routy and Oscar starts barking which Laicy has been instructed is not okay. So Laicy brings the hammer down and tells Oscar "NO BARK"!

***Wait! I'm getting ahead of myself***

Here's a little back story: IF DAD OR F-C ARE EVER ASKED, DOT-KOM IS THE BEST TRAINED DOG IN THE WORLD! if you leave out the fact that the dog barks at everything that moves, pisses all over the place, and shits in random corners in the house. Apparently if you pretend that the piss stains aren't there you can claim to have properly trained the animal...

Anyway, back to the story!

So Laicy brings the hammer down and tells Oscar "NO BARK"! To which F-ing C looks at Laicy (I assume) then looks at Oscar and says "It's okay Oscar. You can bark in this house".

It's no wonder Dot-kom is retarded and confused. Apparetly you can bark in one house but not the others. Brilliant.

#8 - Gardening apparel

This is a morning that I, nor anyone else who witnessed it, will never forget! It was a weekend morning and I believe that dad was cleaning the pool, so I went down before I had to go into town. I had a little extra time so I sat down to BS for a minute, and that's when I looked up at the upper yard. FC was pruning the roses (what's with that woman and thorns anyway?) wearing one of her infamous skorts, a sleeveless polo shirt (classy), No makeup (a crime against all man kind), Curves flip flop (lime green, and purple), and every gold necklace she owns around her neck. BUT HER HAIR! Her hair was in complete disarray... pulled up with a lime green Scrunchy into a SIDE PONY... and because she was working "so hard" her bangs were matted with sweat flat on her forehead. So somehow (the details are a little fuzzy) dad ends up on the upper lawn talking with the renters, and who saunters over lookin like she fell from the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down? FC! Apparently she thinks that that look is workin for her!

*Nicole & Jeff* Didn't you go back out to the Lake later that day or weekend and had to correct the renters when they said something about "Cathi's daughter"?

Jim's Birthday/Picture Day/Cake/Blame Shifting

This account is regarding Jim's Big 60th Birthday. It's a milestone birthday - something special is definitely in order.

One of Jim's favorite pictures is of Jeff (12), Jenn (10), Julie (9), Missy, Boo Boo Kitty, and him with the red and white 59 corvette, taken at the WVC Campus. He has a large picture of it at the lakehouse and he even carries a copy in his wallet... so we know it's very special to him.

Jeff + I were discussing this memory and trying to recall how this all originally started - and it's a little hazy - so I'll need Jenn to jump in and correct any details she remembers differently.

Jeff recalls F-C approaching him regarding taking an updated picture for Jim's birthday... And that was about it. This was first brought up in the fall while Jeff was still in his racing season. Since Jeff's familiar with Dar's work (he takes pictures up at the WVSO Racetrack) - he mentioned the idea of taking another family picture with the 59 corvette to Dar - and he loved it.

Now, just to be clear, Jim's birthday is the end of April. Plenty of time, right?? Not if you're F-C.

A few things would need to be arranged: the corvette was in the shop, a date needed to be set so everyone could make sure they could be there, we had to figure out a plan of how to get the car and Jim there, etc. But there's plenty of time, right? Again - NOT if your F-C.

Now there had been several issues with the corvette and Jeff had to clue in Don and Tater to the plan so they would have plenty of time to have the car up and running before Jim's birthday. Not exactly something you can leave until the last minute!!

All this time F-C kept asking Jeff for Dar's phone number - even though it's online and in the phonebook - so she could schedule the date for the pictures. She'll get it done in time, right?? NOPE. Jeff finally had to call Dar a WEEK before Jim's birthday - hoping he'd still be available - because F-C couldn't pick up the phone and arrange it herself!!

Jenn was flying up but Jeff had to call Julie to make sure she's be available and not working, etc. Now everyone was on board... Again - did F-C help? NO!!

So the day finally arrives. Jenn, Jeff, and I were staying out at the lakehouse so we got to see first-hand how F-C prepares for the day. This brings us to Part II of this entry - The Infamous Birthday Cake.

First of all, F-C doesn't wake up early. She just can't function at that hour. This is nothing new so maybe, MAYBE, she would have arranged to make the cake the day before or something. I mean - there's a F-ing FULL kitchen downstairs in the basement! She could've made the cake down there if she didn't want him to see her or something... but NOOOO!!

What does she do?? She wakes up late, looking like death as usual, and starts flinging ingredients together at the last f-ing minute. Of course by this time we're all dressed and ready to go, because we had to be at WVC ahead of time to meet Dar and Julie to properly surprize Jim. We'll come back to that sorry excuse of a cake in a minute...

Re-cap: ALL F-C had to do was get Jim in the corvette and come to us. That was ALL she had to do. They finally arrived - and Jim was absolutely thrilled!!
STILL F-C looks like hell!! I think might she have attempted to take a shower because her hair was half-wet and piled in a rats nest on her head (with a scrunchie of course). Now - the picture was supposed to be of the kids and Jim but it's safe to say there will be at least one group picture taken, since we're all there, so I dress appropriately. F-C did not.
* The important thing was that Jim was surprized and he LOVED it. *
But still - REALLY??

Fast forward to dinner and the Cake (if you can even call it that).

We all head to dinner at the Applewood grill to meet up with F-C's mom, son, and Marty & Vicki. It's pretty warm by this time of year - so how did F-C get the cake to dinner if she came with Jim in the corvette?? Come to find out she called Poor Vicki at the last minute and asked her to pick up the cake to bring it to dinner.

Now during dinner, conversation of course went to how Jim loved the surprize and how great the picture were going to be... and what comes out of F-C's mouth?? Basically she told the group how SHE made ALL the arrangements and did EVERYTHING - ALL by herself. WOW. Needless to say Jenn couldn't stand it - and she spoke up on Jeff's behalf regarding what REALLY happened.

We make it thru dinner and it's time for dessert. The cake is unveiled. OH MY GOD. The frosting (or at least we think that is what that stuff is supposed to be) has nearly ALL melted off the cake. It RESENTS the cake. So what does F-C do??

She looks at Poor Vicki and makes a comment about how she must have let it sit in the car for too long for it to do that. WHAT?!

We SAW her make the cake at the last minute - we KNOW she didn't let it sit out long enough to cool before she flung that crap that was supposed to be frosting on the cake - and of COURSE it melted off!! WTF did she THINK was going to happen?!

Now anyone that knows F-C at all, knows to avoid her cooking like the plague; so we ordered vanilla ice cream, pretending it was to eat WITH the cake (yeah, right). Chunky, flour pocketed, peanut butter chocolate cake even LOOKED at by F-C is not safe for anyone to eat.

We finally finished and everyone was getting ready to say goodbye when F-C very loudly (because she knows NO other volume) starts asking who is going to take HER mother home to leavenworth. Come to find out her mother's caretaker had brought her into wenatchee since it was on her way home - but how was she going to get back now?? F-C rode in a two-seater - WTF did she think was going to happen? Was she going to wish her home?? So at the dinner table, in front of her mother, she starts asking people if they can drive her home. She starts with her son - and the jerk won't even ENTERTAIN the idea of driving his own grandmother home... Finally, Vicki and Marty (being the sweet people they are) say they wouldn't mind taking her home since they're heading out of town and over the pass anyway. Who does that?! Who doesn't arrange that sort of thing ahead of time?! And in front of the person that needs the ride??

As a nice little follow up - it is now nearly 2 years later and Dar's phone number is still on the fridge last I checked (as of August 2008 - but that's another story in itself) - and NO pictures have been ordered to date.

Way to go F-C.

Missing Jewelry and Magazines/Humming and Pringles (soft food diet)

I've decided to combine topics #3 and #4 because they are relatively small topics and they all happened at the Palm Springs condo.

If you know anything about F-ing c, you know that she steals things. If something happens to be sitting around without an owner in sight, it is now her property. Such is the case with the missing bracelet and magazines. The bracelet was one of my favorites. I generally don't wear bracelets because they're kind of annoying, but this one was pretty awesome. The magazine was Women's Health, and I had never even gotten a chance to read it. There were only 4 people at the condo: Dad, F-ing c, myself, and Marc. Now tell me, who do you think took my WOMEN's Health magazine? Marc? Dad? Probably not. Who do you think took off with my totally girly bracelet? Marc? Dad? Probably not. I've got one word for you: BITCH!

Moving on...

F-ing c always has a million stupid magazines that she reads (so why she has to steal mine is beyond me, but whatever). Woman's Week, Woman's World, US weekly, and so on. Well one week she read an article that said "people that hum have a happy heart". I could KILL whoever wrote that article because for the next few days she WOULDN'T STOP HUMMING! One of these particular days I was on the computer trying to do homework, when she came in, sat down, and started humming. I waited patiently for the humming to cease but she wasn't letting up, so I turned and asked her very nicely to stop humming. She very seriously looked at me and said "no", and went back to humming. WTF?! F-ing c does not have a "happy heart", she's got a bitch heart!

And last but not least the Pringles story! So Donkey Face had an operation on her esophagus and had strict orders not to eat any solid foods. She made a HUGE deal about not being able to eat certain things and was a major pain in the ass because of it. Anyway, I had bought two packs of Pringles chips before they came to "visit" one weekend. One of them was BBQ, the other was Sour Cream and Onion. I had eaten a few of the BBQ chips, but hadn't yet opened the Sour Cream and Onion chips. The weekend came and went and so did dad and f-ing c. Imagine my surprise when I went to open the Sour Cream and Onion chips and found that three quarters of them had been eaten!! And my dad doesn't like Sour Cream and Onion chips so who do you think ate them?! ha! I'm pretty sure that chips qualify as solid food, but what the heck do I know ;)

The return of Birthday Tank Top

The Birthday Tank Top story didn't just end with me receiving it. Oh no! There's more!

When I got back home, true to my word, the tank top (box and all) was jammed in the back of my closet. After that the details are a little blurry... I said something to dad about it, unfortunately I don't remember what I said. BUT I DO REMEMBER that I came home later that week and found that my closet had been rifled through and the tank top was GONE! Was this my answered prayer from God? Did a very unfashionable thief break in and steal the tank top?! Yes and No. Fucking-C had come into MY room, thrashed around MY closet, and took MY (ew) birthday tank top. Then she took that tank top across the street where she had bought it, returned it, and bought something FOR HERSELF!!! How do I know this? Cause after they finally left to go back to WA, I went into their bathroom and found the exchange receipt on the counter! Haha! There is something seriously wrong with this person!